I brought a new friend home with me today... I've been eyeballing her in the store for months now but didn't have the confidence to walk right up, introduce myself and invite her home. 'Why should I be so confident?', I thought. 'You'll just be setting yourself up for disappointment.' So I left her on the shelf, day after day, telling myself I didn't deserve her.
But today is the day! Today I decided to STOP listening to that self-saboteur living in my head, marched right over to the shelf and picked up my newest friend... my "Nationals" piggy bank! That's right, this darling little pink piggy bank is my first step in believing in my goal of being crowned Mrs Oregon 2011. Lenny and I have agreed that each pay period we will invest in this goal by feeding my pink piggy a predetermined amount of money. I still slightly shudder at the thought of planning that far ahead for something that is definitely not a sure thing, but after a long talk with myself, I have to admit that it's a positive thing to do.
I recently read a short entry entitled "You Will Become What You Believe You Are", by Delton Doucet and a quote stood up off of the page. It said "If you ever do anything yourself and nothing else, please allow yourself to believe in you." Ouch... I will be the first to say that I DO NOT like to believe in myself. Not that I don't think I am capable of great things... I just find there to be a very fine line between confidence and arrogance, and I am terrified to cross over to the dark side. Entitlement and cockiness do not look good on anyone, no matter how wonderful they are at something. So, to make sure I never reach the danger zone, I have become my harshest critic. Nothing I can do will ever be good enough for... well, myself. Just listen to me talk about my cake creations and you'll get the picture real quick! So, when it came to thinking about saving money for the possibility that I will be attending the Mrs America 2011 pageant in April, I dutifully made out a list of reasons I would NOT be attending the pageant, and accompanied it with a lecture on the naughtiness of such over-confidence. It was as though the simple idea of preparing for the future meant I assumed I'd be crowned Mrs Oregon. That is something I would never do, therefore having the piggy bank was ridiculous as well.
Believe it or not, I'm sort of getting tired of my position as head critic. It's exhausting to spend so much time finding all things wrong with myself. But can I undo all this training? This piggy bank is the first step. I am going to believe in myself and my abilities. I am going to allow myself to give 100% in the pursuit of this goal and spend more time thinking about how to succeed instead of how I will fail. I will chant 'See the crown, want the crown, be the crown...' OK, I will NOT do that. :) But I will tell myself that I can accomplish what I put my mind to. I may not win, but I will perform to the best of my abilities and leave no room for regret. And my hubby put it so concisely - "We will need the money if you win, but we will need the money for something else if you don't... so what is the harm in saving money?" Leave it to a man to see things so logically. My piggy bank will be useful no matter what... but right now, it's helping me focus on positive thoughts. That is one powerful pink piggy!
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